Half Days

Started back to work on Tuesday. Have been trying to do four hour days, which is totally exhausting me. I practically race home to hit the bed. I fall deeply asleep and awake two hours later. Then, at night, when I'm supposed to sleep, I can't. I'm getting irritated because I'm too tired to get in any exercise. Not sure how I'm going to handle it, but I have to figure out some kind of work around. I'm noticing a change in the dog vs. cat relationship, too. There's contention again because I'm not around to keep the dog in line. I already miss my time off.

There's noticeable tension at work. My favorite program manager put in his two-week notice. When I first started there, he and I had epic battles (he'd only been there a month or two ahead of me)--arguing over who was going to do what. We both decided that we were passionate about our jobs, which gave us something in common. After we established that foundational value, we became more like coworkers or brother and sister--trusting each other to do his/her job and the right thing. I will dearly miss him. Not sure how his leaving will affect me yet. Not having him in my corner will hurt. Work won't be fun. It'll be all heads down and no room for easing up, which I totally predict.

I know I will eventually work up to eight hours, but I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do it next week. It's been six weeks since my surgery, hard to believe. I will have to let my employer know that I'll do what I can, but I'm not sure when I'll be totally up to snuff. They've been great thus far, allowing me the time off as a contractor and letting me come back to work, so I don't want to press them too much. However, I have to take care of myself. I look at this surgery as an investment in myself, so I don't want to screw it up.

I did nap for two hours today. I had a hard time waking up, but Eowyn wanted me out of the bed, so I could play with her. I ate dinner, and then scurried back to bed. Finally, I got up enough strength to go to the pool. It was wonderful. Hardly a person there, so I really got to stretch out my body. Of course, the loudspeaker was blaring 50s music, which drove me half nuts, but I tried my best to block it out. I'd think that nice, calm music would be more appropriate at night time. Sleepy, sleepy. Complaining aside, I did work my hip hard, especially after sitting most of the day in meetings or at my desk. Right now, my hip and wooden chairs don't agree. It's a creepy. I can feel my implant, for some reason. Gives me the willies.

While I was taking a nap this afternoon, the cat starting meowing loudly. He then moved in and attacked the dog--something I've never seen him do before. I'm always onto the dog for hunting the cat. Perhaps while I'm gone that happens, and then the cat pays the dog back when I'm around. Just when I got everything under control at home, it all changes by me going back to work. Time for the baby gates to go back up. Dog...you stay in this room while I'm gone. Cat...you stay in this room while I'm gone.

I think I'm like most people my age. I would like to retire. I'd like to chillax at home with the dog and cat some more, working on my health--physically, mentally, and spiritually. That's not going to happen in my lifetime though. When the bottom fell out of the stock market in 2008, I got laid off twice that year, and then had to go through my 401(k) to survive. Couldn't get a job for a total of 18 months. Sucks big time. I used to not be able to write or talk about it because I'd get so angry. Now it's something that happened and a reality I have to deal with. The last of the Baby Boomers got fucked. (Okay, I'm still angry.)

I suppose all that gave me a different perspective on my life. I've never been a traditional person by any means, so why start now? I have my dream that's come about quite vividly over the past few months. I will work toward that. Gives me a reason to go into work each day and earn money. I work better when I have a dream or I have a goal in mind. Simply stated, I work better when I have direction.

My direction is to

• Take care of my body, getting movement incorporated almost every day.
• Work toward my dream, so I can begin living it within a year. 
• Keep the cat and dog relationship  manageable, making sure they can coexist in the house. 

There. I like that simplicity. 

Now I'm going back to bed. Toodles.

Downer Upper

Damn, I am exceptionally tired today. I didn't wake up that way. Perhaps it's the sunshine. Perhaps it's the different muscles I used today. Perhaps it's the fact that I have to start working again in a day or two. Perhaps it's all of the above. As I get older, I'm often taken by surprise how quickly my energy changes. I have to remember that my body's been through a major surgery, too. I always seem to forget about that. I have had an exceptional recovery. It's nice to be given a break. I asked for one before surgery and I got it. Tee hee. Snicker. Snicker.

We haven't had sunshine in about a week. It's snowed or rained. My basement has tributaries. I'm still not used to it. If only I hadn't needed my hip replaced, then I could have spent my savings on getting the basement tiled. Oh well, for now, I'll deal with it. I must make sure that the dehumidifier is always emptied. I should plug in the other one, but it usually is too much for the circuit breaker, especially when I blow dry my hair. If it's not one thing, it's another in this house. Ugh! That's why I want to simplify. I've never been good at maintenance. It bores me. That sounds so elitist.

Oh yes, before I forget, I discovered a leak in my roof. It's started to show on the living room ceiling. Luckily, I'll be able to get someone here tomorrow, before the next deluge scheduled for Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, AND Saturday. I have to get my downspout hooked up. What in the hell did I do all day? Why am I taking note of all this right now? Denial.

I bought a recurve bow and arrow for my birthday. I learned how to string the bow today. I wanted to rush through reading the instructions, but I recalled how the guy at the shop said that it's dangerous. My friend Jackie Gleason brought over a TV box, so I could use it in the garden to block out weeds. Instead, I taped a target to it. I hit the bulls eye twice out of seven rounds of six arrows. I have a propensity to shoot to the right. A childhood friend recommended that I purchase a compound bow because it's easier to learn. Too late for that. He then suggested a scope. I figured I'd spend $17 on personal instruction from someone who's been doing it for a while.

I was surprised at how tired and sweaty I got. Of course, it was well over 70 today, which has been a rarity for six months. I laid on the patio a few times. I let Eowyn outside, so she could wander around the yard a bit. As soon as I started shooting, she went to the patio door and wanted in. Smart girl. Mommy is still learning. I've been varying my physical activities.

I either walk or swim each day, so I can lubricate my hip. I started aching the other day, which surprised me. I figured that my hip needed a break. I was also getting a little bored with just those two activities. I am very much looking forward to riding my bike. I hear that's about two months away. I know for a fact that I don't have simple thigh strength--something to work toward. I like that I am moving again. I like that I am gradually building my activities. It seems so logical and different than anything else I've done before.

I may start work a few days early. I've heard that they can use my help. However, I am only going to work part-time until my strength comes back. I have got to put myself first, which is again something new for me. I'm already anticipating great stress, which doesn't bode well for me to really want to go back to work. There's an article in the April issue of "Yoga Journal," which talks about achieving and keeping a Zen state at work. I'm sure it would behoove me to read that article soon. Of course, I have to remember that it's all in how I react.

I've actually had times in my life where I protect myself, no one and nothing can interrupt my Zen state. Somehow I usually lose it. A small crack appears, and then within days I'm a goner...back to being miserable because of my own thoughts. Sometimes I think people think it's funny when they can get me wound up. Must be great power for them. I can't imagine seeking and savoring that kind of power, which seems to be devoid of compassion.

Man, I hate to end this entry on a downer note. Let me see whether I can find an upper quote.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -- George Carlin

Walka Walka

I gave myself two days off from exercise. On occasion, my muscles ache. I find that when I take a break, I have time to repair and I feel much better.

Okay, so I overdid it a little. I took Eowyn to the cemetery, where we took a very windy walk. The wind was so cold--another front moving in. I didn't hardly pay attention to the walk, so much as I did just keeping warm. When we were done, I didn't want to really stop. So, she and I went to another local park.

I was desperately hoping to see the trees in bloom, but they were only in bud. I was disappointed but looked forward to their potential. Fortunately, we were blocked from the wind, no one was around, so the walk was calming.

I noticed a tree that looked as if it didn't have too much longer to live. It's bark was falling off. I looked closely at the exposure and noticed miniature tracks. They were beautiful and sad. I knew that this lovely pattern was leading to this destruction of this old tree. So, I touched the tree and wished it well...a full recovery. I like to touch the big, old trees. They've been around for so long...another organic creature.

When we got home, I wanted to move some more, so I mowed the front lawn. I can only get half done before I am out of breath. I thought with all the walking and the swimming that I would have been able to last longer, but that wasn't so. I stuck my tongue out at my neighbor's lawn. Mine was done before her's. She's so meticulous that no matter what I do my lawn looks like it belongs on the other side of town. Just for two days. Give me those two days. She usually gets off of work early on Fridays, and then snip, snip, snips. I noticed she's got a lot of creeping charlie, too. Hee, hee.

I fell to sleep for about two hours, from 5 to 7 PM. Dead to the world. I know I won't sleep worth a crap tonight, but that seems to be my MO each day anymore. Not sure whether to accept it or complain.