Half Days

Started back to work on Tuesday. Have been trying to do four hour days, which is totally exhausting me. I practically race home to hit the bed. I fall deeply asleep and awake two hours later. Then, at night, when I'm supposed to sleep, I can't. I'm getting irritated because I'm too tired to get in any exercise. Not sure how I'm going to handle it, but I have to figure out some kind of work around. I'm noticing a change in the dog vs. cat relationship, too. There's contention again because I'm not around to keep the dog in line. I already miss my time off.

There's noticeable tension at work. My favorite program manager put in his two-week notice. When I first started there, he and I had epic battles (he'd only been there a month or two ahead of me)--arguing over who was going to do what. We both decided that we were passionate about our jobs, which gave us something in common. After we established that foundational value, we became more like coworkers or brother and sister--trusting each other to do his/her job and the right thing. I will dearly miss him. Not sure how his leaving will affect me yet. Not having him in my corner will hurt. Work won't be fun. It'll be all heads down and no room for easing up, which I totally predict.

I know I will eventually work up to eight hours, but I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do it next week. It's been six weeks since my surgery, hard to believe. I will have to let my employer know that I'll do what I can, but I'm not sure when I'll be totally up to snuff. They've been great thus far, allowing me the time off as a contractor and letting me come back to work, so I don't want to press them too much. However, I have to take care of myself. I look at this surgery as an investment in myself, so I don't want to screw it up.

I did nap for two hours today. I had a hard time waking up, but Eowyn wanted me out of the bed, so I could play with her. I ate dinner, and then scurried back to bed. Finally, I got up enough strength to go to the pool. It was wonderful. Hardly a person there, so I really got to stretch out my body. Of course, the loudspeaker was blaring 50s music, which drove me half nuts, but I tried my best to block it out. I'd think that nice, calm music would be more appropriate at night time. Sleepy, sleepy. Complaining aside, I did work my hip hard, especially after sitting most of the day in meetings or at my desk. Right now, my hip and wooden chairs don't agree. It's a creepy. I can feel my implant, for some reason. Gives me the willies.

While I was taking a nap this afternoon, the cat starting meowing loudly. He then moved in and attacked the dog--something I've never seen him do before. I'm always onto the dog for hunting the cat. Perhaps while I'm gone that happens, and then the cat pays the dog back when I'm around. Just when I got everything under control at home, it all changes by me going back to work. Time for the baby gates to go back up. Dog...you stay in this room while I'm gone. Cat...you stay in this room while I'm gone.

I think I'm like most people my age. I would like to retire. I'd like to chillax at home with the dog and cat some more, working on my health--physically, mentally, and spiritually. That's not going to happen in my lifetime though. When the bottom fell out of the stock market in 2008, I got laid off twice that year, and then had to go through my 401(k) to survive. Couldn't get a job for a total of 18 months. Sucks big time. I used to not be able to write or talk about it because I'd get so angry. Now it's something that happened and a reality I have to deal with. The last of the Baby Boomers got fucked. (Okay, I'm still angry.)

I suppose all that gave me a different perspective on my life. I've never been a traditional person by any means, so why start now? I have my dream that's come about quite vividly over the past few months. I will work toward that. Gives me a reason to go into work each day and earn money. I work better when I have a dream or I have a goal in mind. Simply stated, I work better when I have direction.

My direction is to

• Take care of my body, getting movement incorporated almost every day.
• Work toward my dream, so I can begin living it within a year. 
• Keep the cat and dog relationship  manageable, making sure they can coexist in the house. 

There. I like that simplicity. 

Now I'm going back to bed. Toodles.

Downer Upper

Damn, I am exceptionally tired today. I didn't wake up that way. Perhaps it's the sunshine. Perhaps it's the different muscles I used today. Perhaps it's the fact that I have to start working again in a day or two. Perhaps it's all of the above. As I get older, I'm often taken by surprise how quickly my energy changes. I have to remember that my body's been through a major surgery, too. I always seem to forget about that. I have had an exceptional recovery. It's nice to be given a break. I asked for one before surgery and I got it. Tee hee. Snicker. Snicker.

We haven't had sunshine in about a week. It's snowed or rained. My basement has tributaries. I'm still not used to it. If only I hadn't needed my hip replaced, then I could have spent my savings on getting the basement tiled. Oh well, for now, I'll deal with it. I must make sure that the dehumidifier is always emptied. I should plug in the other one, but it usually is too much for the circuit breaker, especially when I blow dry my hair. If it's not one thing, it's another in this house. Ugh! That's why I want to simplify. I've never been good at maintenance. It bores me. That sounds so elitist.

Oh yes, before I forget, I discovered a leak in my roof. It's started to show on the living room ceiling. Luckily, I'll be able to get someone here tomorrow, before the next deluge scheduled for Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, AND Saturday. I have to get my downspout hooked up. What in the hell did I do all day? Why am I taking note of all this right now? Denial.

I bought a recurve bow and arrow for my birthday. I learned how to string the bow today. I wanted to rush through reading the instructions, but I recalled how the guy at the shop said that it's dangerous. My friend Jackie Gleason brought over a TV box, so I could use it in the garden to block out weeds. Instead, I taped a target to it. I hit the bulls eye twice out of seven rounds of six arrows. I have a propensity to shoot to the right. A childhood friend recommended that I purchase a compound bow because it's easier to learn. Too late for that. He then suggested a scope. I figured I'd spend $17 on personal instruction from someone who's been doing it for a while.

I was surprised at how tired and sweaty I got. Of course, it was well over 70 today, which has been a rarity for six months. I laid on the patio a few times. I let Eowyn outside, so she could wander around the yard a bit. As soon as I started shooting, she went to the patio door and wanted in. Smart girl. Mommy is still learning. I've been varying my physical activities.

I either walk or swim each day, so I can lubricate my hip. I started aching the other day, which surprised me. I figured that my hip needed a break. I was also getting a little bored with just those two activities. I am very much looking forward to riding my bike. I hear that's about two months away. I know for a fact that I don't have simple thigh strength--something to work toward. I like that I am moving again. I like that I am gradually building my activities. It seems so logical and different than anything else I've done before.

I may start work a few days early. I've heard that they can use my help. However, I am only going to work part-time until my strength comes back. I have got to put myself first, which is again something new for me. I'm already anticipating great stress, which doesn't bode well for me to really want to go back to work. There's an article in the April issue of "Yoga Journal," which talks about achieving and keeping a Zen state at work. I'm sure it would behoove me to read that article soon. Of course, I have to remember that it's all in how I react.

I've actually had times in my life where I protect myself, no one and nothing can interrupt my Zen state. Somehow I usually lose it. A small crack appears, and then within days I'm a goner...back to being miserable because of my own thoughts. Sometimes I think people think it's funny when they can get me wound up. Must be great power for them. I can't imagine seeking and savoring that kind of power, which seems to be devoid of compassion.

Man, I hate to end this entry on a downer note. Let me see whether I can find an upper quote.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -- George Carlin

Walka Walka

I gave myself two days off from exercise. On occasion, my muscles ache. I find that when I take a break, I have time to repair and I feel much better.

Okay, so I overdid it a little. I took Eowyn to the cemetery, where we took a very windy walk. The wind was so cold--another front moving in. I didn't hardly pay attention to the walk, so much as I did just keeping warm. When we were done, I didn't want to really stop. So, she and I went to another local park.

I was desperately hoping to see the trees in bloom, but they were only in bud. I was disappointed but looked forward to their potential. Fortunately, we were blocked from the wind, no one was around, so the walk was calming.

I noticed a tree that looked as if it didn't have too much longer to live. It's bark was falling off. I looked closely at the exposure and noticed miniature tracks. They were beautiful and sad. I knew that this lovely pattern was leading to this destruction of this old tree. So, I touched the tree and wished it well...a full recovery. I like to touch the big, old trees. They've been around for so long...another organic creature.

When we got home, I wanted to move some more, so I mowed the front lawn. I can only get half done before I am out of breath. I thought with all the walking and the swimming that I would have been able to last longer, but that wasn't so. I stuck my tongue out at my neighbor's lawn. Mine was done before her's. She's so meticulous that no matter what I do my lawn looks like it belongs on the other side of town. Just for two days. Give me those two days. She usually gets off of work early on Fridays, and then snip, snip, snips. I noticed she's got a lot of creeping charlie, too. Hee, hee.

I fell to sleep for about two hours, from 5 to 7 PM. Dead to the world. I know I won't sleep worth a crap tonight, but that seems to be my MO each day anymore. Not sure whether to accept it or complain.

Artifical Obligation

Candle-lit wine

I sat on the patio this evening after the sun had gone down. I'd opened a bottle of white wine that I'd received as a birthday present. I smelled its aroma, took a deep drink, swished it around in my mouth, swallowed, and breathed in. I smiled...something that I've lacked for a day or two. How quickly I'd forgotten simplicity.

The stars were out, not a cloud in the sky. I scouted The Big Dipper and said a hearty hello, not really caring if my neighbors heard me. Once in my life, I used to look at the stars and appreciate them, radiating in their dated energy toward the Earth. Life was easy then. I didn't know it at the time. I was debt free, was in my freshman year at university, and was in love with a hometown boy who treated me not too well. We laid on the hood of my car, a 1973 light blue Cutlass Supreme station wagon, and I told him what I'd learned in Astronomy 101. He seemed enthralled. We kissed for hours afterward. I sometimes miss being that vulnerable.

I'm at that age where I examine my life...what I've done in the past and what I want to do for the future. I sometimes find myself quite melancholy with the choices I've made. But, if I write, I come to peace with them, incorporating them into my soul and letting them go.

I have great dreams for the future. As I stated in a previous post, I want to act rather than not. I have a lovely dream, it's percolating like fresh coffee in the early morning. It's becoming warm and awakening. I don't want to write about it now, but I do want to say that it involves travel to warmer climates, something I finally and totally decided this winter, especially during the chill of close to six months, where I sat in solitude, in this house that's grown to be a burden of things to do rather than a place of solace from my sometimes inept interactions with the world. 

I occasionally become overstimulated because my mind can generate like no one else's. What about this? What about that? I want to do everything at once. I find this quite common in the Spring. The wine tempers me. I can do this. I can calm down. I can pay attention to what's right in front of me. The candle, which emanates the scent of fresh linen, dances. Oh, yes. I'm sitting on the patio with Pupa, who's absolutely refused to sit in the chair next to me. She'd rather stretch out and be the dog she is right next to my feet.

I look in the distance. I see clouds slowly moving in, covering the stars. I notice that the sky occasionally lights up--Mother Nature's fireworks. Rain is on the way. I become excited. It reminds me of being on Mom's and Dad's patio, situated on a hill where potential storms were always visible. I become a little sad. Those days are gone. Time has rolled in. Relationships have been dramatically altered. I want to wrap myself in my thoughts. I can feel the creep, but I mentally push it away.

I have to move forward. I owe it to myself and to God to do the best I can. I yearn for a permanent smile, knowing that I'm living for myself and not desperately trying to make someone else happy. What a release that will be when I can finally achieve that goal. No more pull. No more excuses. A life that is exclusively mine, devoid of artificial obligation.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. -- Benjamin Franklin

Do Something

Happy birthday to me. I am 52.

I'm quite tired. In fact, I'm exhausted, even after taking a one hour nap at 7 PM. Hopefully, this means I'll sleep within minutes after I lay my head on the pillow a little later, but that's doubtful and not within my usual pattern. I did a lot today.

I've deemed this is the year that I do something. I think too much. I've always been told that by close friends and even therapists. I mull. I stew. I replay. Stated simply, I can work myself into a tizzy faster than anyone I know, and then it takes me a week to get out of it. That's such a waste of my time. Seems the older I get, the more I want to wisely use the time I have left. So...

I asked that my friend Jackie Gleason take me to one of the pro sport stores today, so I could learn a little about bows and arrows. I've always wanted to do that--yes, even before the "Hunger Games" book was published or the movie was released. After trying it out, I ended up buying a recurve bow, not very expensive. I was told by the sales person to buy arrows at a store that specializes in the sport, so I didn't end up spending a sizable amount of money as a beginner. I really appreciated him doing that. I'll head east of the city tomorrow to check out the arrows.

Time for bed. I just can't keep my eyes open much longer. I feel like a child on Christmas Day. I'm looking forward to spending time with my new hobby. I don't plan to hunt, but I'd like to eventually take lessons, join a club, and compete. Oh, I just remembered. One of the people who got me interested in this sport was actress Geena Davis. Not that we're close friends or anything. Toodles!

No Strangers

Author's Note: This post doesn't start off too nice because I've been dress shopping today and didn't find squat. There is some UGLY stuff out there for plus-sized women. Not sure what happened to the industry over the past several years, but I'm being forced to lose weight because I'm done with looking like an English cottage garden or a 1950s Cuban painting. (Actually, that's not a totally true statement, but I hope it conveys my desperation.)

Thought I'd sneak in to the wellness center around noon. Surely, there wouldn't be anyone there. I walked into a pool filled with people, average age was 70. Most must have seen the disappointment on my face. I'm tired with being the odd kid out. I've been blown off plenty of times, too, as I've tried to start simple conversations.

So, I found a corner and started moving my legs and arms. Bouncy. Bouncy. Any movement is good. Have to get my hip moving. Surely I'd be safe from all the death stares, especially if I splashed water on to one of the ladies' heavily lacquered hair. I looked across the pool and there was this...well...I'm not sure how to say it nicely.

There was this guy with gray curly hair, sideburns, male-patterned baldness, flashy pink clip-on earrings, and a tulip-bottomed bathing suit. I took a double-look, triple-look, and then decided that I was seeing what I was seeing. He was off by himself as well. Is this what my life has come to? Because I'm younger than the other people at the pool, I have to be ostracized like the guy who wants to be or dress like a woman in his elder years? Don't get me wrong. I support many different lifestyles. I just didn't need to be classified this way today. Actually, for several moments, I thought about floating over to talk to him, but I couldn't stand it if he rejected me, too.

I looked over at the lady next to me. She said, "You looked pretty disappointed when you came in here." I laughed and kinda lied that I was hoping it wasn't going to be this crowded. She said that it's filled with Baby Boomers. I told her I was one, too, and then she started to argue with me. "No you're not."

"Yes, I am. I'm on the tail end," I replied. So she made me validate my age. "I'll be 52 this Sunday," I said.

She argued with me again. "No you won't. You don't look a day over 40."

I smiled, laughed loudly, and told her thank you in many ways. Of course, that comment led us into a very long conversation.

I learned that she'd just gotten back from Corpus Christi, where she'd wintered with a friend and her husband. I told her that I used to live there, as a Naval kid. She told me her friend lived in Flour Bluff. I told her that I used to go to elementary school there in the late 60s and early 70s. I added that I still have my perfect attendance certificate from Flour Bluff Elementary School. She said that her friend was the principle there. We reminisced about scorching sand, endless water, sunny skies, cockle burs, lizards, roaches, real Mexican restaurants, and crabbing.

I shared with her my dream to sell my house; buy a small, light-weight trailer; and travel to New Mexico, Arizona, Texas, California, Oregon, and Washington. I told her that when my money was close to running out, I'd select which place I wanted to live out the rest of my years. As I was describing this to her, she took in a breath and held it, and then she said, "You won't believe this, but I have a friend who's doing just that!" Which, as fate would have it, drove us into another realm of excited discussion.

There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven't yet met. -- William Butler Yeats

Online Now!

Since I purchased and worked Judith Cameron's book titled "The Artist's Way," I've always believed in serendipity. Basically, for me, the more I removed personal obstacles, the more serendipitous events or miracles would come my way. "Miracles," and I'll haphazardly steal this from Wikipedia, are "beneficial events that are statistically unlikely." I'll explain a little later. Bear with me as I set up this post.

I recently watched a movie called "Jeff, Who Lives At Home." It's about a 30-something guy who lives in his mom's basement and is waiting for signs to tell him what he should do with his life. Well, one morning, he receives a wrong number from a guy looking for "Kevin." So, Jeff begins to follow any "sign" that leads him to Kevin who'll somehow let Jeff know what he's supposed to do next. I liked the idea, so I continued watching the movie. Of course, it's only a movie, but it came together nicely at the end...like a present initially wrapped in brown paper.

My friend, Jackie Gleason (I call him that because I can't use his real name, but he does tell me quite often that he's going to "send me to the moon!"), said that while I was on the mend, I should sign up for an online dating site.

I usually do this every spring anyway, and then end my subscription because I date some guy who says 1.) I look just like Carnie Wilson. 2.) I should consider bariatric surgery, like he got. 3.) He would really like it if I cooked him a homemade meal. Anyone who knows me understands that the last comment was the clincher. I don't cook for any man, unless I want to. What a total idiot. When I ended our brief relationship, he didn't understand what went wrong. Well, dumb ass, you talked too much.

Okay, okay, let me get back to lovelier thoughts. Center. Center. And calm.

I'm looking through my daily matches. There's this guy on there who's 43. He's the type I physically like...dark brown hair, great and expressive eyes. He's said several things that are quite a bit like me. Let me quote. I'm sure I'll probably be sued for this, but what the hell:

I am a good and loyal friend. I can be very sarcastic and will never shy away from a good debate. And when I'm wrong I will be the first to admit it. I am a very passionate person who has no problem expressing his feelings.

(OMG, that is so me...minus the "his.")

I'm most attracted to someone who is very confident and out going.

(Yep, I like that too without the confidence being too egotistical and the outgoing without being to salesy and markety and spasticy.)

I'm very content being single but like I said life is just better when you can share it with someone! 

(I'm so content with being single that I've been single for 45 years!)

So, what did I do? I sent him a wink. Hadn't done that to any other guy yet.

As I was going to lunch today, heading to a local Korean joint I've frequented since my 20s, I got this strong message to eat Greek food. It's like something in my head said, "No, not that, but this!" I turned my car around and drove west of the city. I was hankering for a gyro and some chili/cheese fries.

I pulled into the parking lot, opened the restaurant door, and proceeded to look at the menu...expertly written in chalk, above this young girl's head. I noticed this guy in the kitchen. I'll be damned if it wasn't the guy I'd just sent the wink to. I stepped backward a bit and shook my head. What in the hell? I mean how cool is that? Yes, he's as good looking in person. He can shave me off a piece of tender lamb any day. :-) I wanted to go up to him and say something, but I didn't. Instead, I documented the instance in my journal.

I got on the dating site this evening and he was on, so he saw my wink. I wonder whether he remembered me from today. He didn't wink back or write me, so perhaps he's not interested. Either way, I thought I'd share this little pleasant surprise with you. Because it sure made me smile today and let me know that there are strong forces at work...behind the scenes...that once in a while...will make us really believe.

When love feels like magic, you call it destiny. When destiny has a sense of humor, you call it serendipity. -- Unknown author